Refuge

“I once learned of a mother whose 13 year old son, without obvious cause, suddenly became defiant, belligerent, and negative. He was caught in a darkening world. He started hanging out with a tough crowd at school, swearing, drinking, and using drugs. The parents found they had no relationship with this son who had changed so dramatically from his preteen years.

They tried counseling, but that seemed to make matters worse. The mother quit her job so that each day she could pick up her son after school and take him directly home, protecting him from outside influences. Her son resented that.

One night while praying to her Heavenly Father asking what she should do, the mother felt impressed that she should love her son and tell him so. But she knew he would not listen to her, because they had no communication. When they did talk, it was in anger.

Frustration and fear flooded the mother with anger whenever she even looked at her son and saw what he had become. Each time she prayed, the feeling persisted: ‘Tell your son you love him.’ But she just couldn’t find the right moment.

One night she went downstairs to get the laundry. Her son’s bedroom was next to the laundry room, and the door was open. The mother went in, looked at her sleeping son, and quietly said, but out loud, ‘I love you – even if you don’t know it. Regardless of what happens, I will always love you.’

THERE, she thought, I FINALLY DID IT! I’ve said ‘I love you.’ And she felt good. Even if her son was sleeping and couldn’t hear her, it felt good just to say those words. Then everything changed for her because each night thereafter, when she was sure her son was asleep, she would tiptoe into his room and tell him she loved him, sometimes lightly stroking his hair, sometimes kneeling by the bed to gently hold him, taking care not to wake him.

Often, he stayed out late with his awful friends. She would wait until she heard him come home and then wait a bit more until he was asleep. Then she would sneak into his room to tell her sleeping son that she loved him. Those moments became the high points of her days.

The son turned fifteen, moved from junior high to high school, and in transition, made some new and better friends. His attitudes slowly changed, his grades improved, and he even chose to enroll in Seminary. Each high school year got better and better; his disposition became more positive. He graduated from high school, and from seminary, and was called to serve a mission.

One day, shortly after he returned from a successful mission, some neighbors visited their home for advice. They had a wayward daughter and didn’t know what to do. They remembered the difficult times this family had with their son during junior high and wanted to know how to handle the situation.

The mother told them, ‘You just have to weather it. Somehow, they outgrow it; it just passes.’ But as she continued in this vein, her returned missionary son interrupted, ‘Mom, that’s not it! Don’t you remember? Every night you would come into my room and say, I love you. I waited for you EVERY night. I waited until you came down to say, I love you before I went to sleep.’

His mother’s love had been his refuge against a darkening world, a shelter from the storm, a light beckoning him back home.”

(By Shauna Ushio Frandsen – 1998 BYU Women’s Conference message entitled, “Refuge.”)